“Something inside me is breaking…something inside says there’s somewhere better than this…”
Greetings Dear Reader,
I made an unplanned but compelled journey over the Memorial Day weekend. I drove four hours to a place where I spent many summers during my younger years. I often long for the ocean but this time I resisted going. I talked myself out of it. I rationalized how it was silly to do this on a “whim”.
Then, I was compelled. I felt as if I had to go so, I went. The drive there was lovely and the traffic was much lighter than I expected. I arrived at the island with plenty of sun left in the day. I drove to the best place I knew to park and change. I made my way to the water. The tide was running out and ripping along the bottom of the island coast. I waded into the deep ravine made by the riptide, my legs straining against the current.
Instantly waist deep in the salty channel, I took a firmer stand. My mind instantly flooded with dark memories of my summers there when I was younger. That which compelled me to be here spoke again. It said, “Immerse yourself in the current and let all those pains go out with the tide. They no longer belong to you. They are mine and you were not meant to carry them this far.”
I did. I felt the release of so many years of pain and hurt that I had not even considered relative to this place. It was here I was taught that I did not really matter. It was here I felt the first surges of my darkest motivations. This is where I learned that I was not the kind of guy girls liked, even when I was strong, tanned, and charming. This was where I first got my heart broken by a girl and realized that neither of my parents cared to be there when I was hurting. It was in this place that I killed my first marriage and saw the portents of death of my second.
There are too many memories and pains to enumerate. There are too many weeks of moments where I was an afterthought, baggage, or the scullery servant. I felt like an inconvenience most of my time there as a youth. Then I rose out of the water. I felt like every ounce of pain had been ripped away by the fast fleeting tide. I left the pain behind, dried, and dressed.
Feeling lighter than usual in both heart and mind I treated myself to a seafood meal and a blazing sunset. Then, as I made my way back to my current abode, my mind flooded with good memories of that place. Driving through the night, I rehearsed the times where I learned, grew, and found joy in the journey. I recalled moments where that small ocean town gave me things that would see me through darker times.
I still feel quite different. There were other treats along the way. There were other moments involving friends and love that were clearer. That receding tide whipped away so much but left no void. The waves brought back with it hope and a deeper understanding of the love that others need.
Everyone, even if they will never admit it, wants to be loved. Too often, we employ unhealthy ways of demanding proof of that love. We all do it in some way. We place demands and expectations that are really just ways of asking the question, “Do you love me?”. Too often we learn too late that this only drives away from us those who wish to love us. Almost all of the things I have carried for so long are a result of poor handling of the need to be loved and know that we are loved.
I posit this Dear Reader: We must focus on giving love to others without expecting anything in return. If we do, we will have all of the love we need. That is the way that works; it is the way it must be. We just have a little further to go to get to my big conclusion. Ponder this for the day if you will. Those relationships you think need healing will only heal through love. If you are carrying anything else you must let the tide wash them away. Let me know your thoughts if you wish.
Wishing you joy in the journey,
Mat 13:52 So Jesus said to them, “That is why every writer who has become a disciple of Christ’s rule of the universe is like a homeowner. He liberally hands out new and old things from his great treasure store.”
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